Jaws & Clocks #1
From Anti-Memoirs by Andre Malraux (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1967), pp. 6:
But man can never plumb the depths of his own being; his image is not to be discovered in the extent of the knowledge he acquires but in the questions he asks.
From the 16th to the 18th century, the Habsburg kings of Spain were pretty fixated on maintaining the purity of their bloodline. To safeguard their wealth and influence, they resorted to strategic intermarriages. However, what seemed like fun and games for the first few generations ultimately led to severe mental and physical defects. These included the famous Habsburg jaw, resulting from the limited diversity in their gene pool in successive generations. Carlos II, the product of a union between an uncle and a niece, was the last Habsburg monarch. He suffered from poor health throughout his life and died at the age of 38 without leaving any heirs. Luckily for us, Diego Velázquez, a court painter of the time, created portraits of some family members, giving us the chance to see the characteristic Habsburg jaw up close. The best way I can describe the jaw, if you haven’t looked it up on Google, is to picture someone walking around sniffing the air as if they smell something fishy. When that analogy came to mind, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or keep a straight face. Anyway, in an attempt to prevent the mixing of their bloodline with individuals of different social statuses, cultures, and religions, they arguably brought about the end of their dynasty. Why did I bring this up? Well, in a previous post, I mentioned that I was also thinking about information diversity and cross-group friendships. Both concepts share similar underpinnings; if anything, they complement each other. Cross-group friendships are formed between people from different backgrounds, experiences, or identities. This could include differences in race, culture, ethnicity, age, and more. Information diversity on the other hand is deliberately seeking out or exposing yourself to a variety of information sources, viewpoints, disciplines, cultural contexts and more. So, if you have a diverse group of friends, they’ll, without even trying, introduce you to different ways of seeing the world. Also, if you expose yourself to different information sources and viewpoints, you’re much more likely to become friends with someone who is different from you. Funnily enough, I see the curse of the Habsburgs everywhere I turn. Not necessarily the jaw but the impulse to avoid the other. 🦙
There is a case that could be made for that position but as long as I can remember, I have always sought out people who are a bit different from me. I think this preference was mostly influenced by the things —books, films, music, etc— I was exposed to when I was younger. It likely prepared me for an adulthood with a willingness to understand others. Growing up, I made friends with those who were 5-10 years older than I was, from different religious and ethnic backgrounds. I first dated outside my ethnic group, then outside my religion, and finally outside my race. It wasn’t always easy, though. I constantly found myself having to explain to my in-group why I was interested in the ‘other’. I also belonged to many in-groups – from family, church, to ethnic and national identities, among others. With all these identities to navigate, I sometimes faced intense pressures that could have discouraged me from forming cross-group friendships. When asked why not be with the people who understand you, my answer always remained the same: ‘There was something to learn from the other.’ And truthfully, there were things to learn: the people in most out-groups had the same fears and worries as I did, but their coping mechanisms often differed from mine. They found some of my ways ludicrous, and I felt the same about some of theirs. Did I get flak for my decision? Of course! Words can’t even begin to describe it. I wasn’t particularly bothered — well maybe a tiny bit sometimes — because I was already steeped in Christian teachings, and I knew that Jesus associated with everyone. He mostly spent time with those whom others said he shouldn’t. One thing my different in-groups always pointed out was that when things got tough, everyone would revert back to their own groups. You don’t want to be caught without any group affiliations when that happens. Imagine you’re friends with or married to a Muslim, and then tensions flare up with the Christians. Tempers are rising, and violence erupts, as is sometimes the case in Nigeria. What would you do? People instantly expect you to take sides and when you don’t, you have to deal with being ghosted by your own folks. 🪲
My in-groups weren’t wrong about their analysis because I’ve seen it play out a few times. It’s not just the ‘other’ reverting back, but I’ve found myself reverting back to my own group affiliations as well. A silly example of this occurred in February when Nigeria played against South Africa in the last African Cup of Nations. I don’t watch soccer at all, but for some reason, I was interested in the outcome of that match. Jabs were flying at Nigerians on social media, proudly sponsored by our Western African brother, Ghana. Plus, there were some low-key scores to settle between Nigerians and South Africans. With Tyla’s recent Grammy win, Nigerians weren’t in the mood to take another loss. I received calls from both sides. It was hilarious when a friend sent me a voice note with just the sound of running water to remind me of Tyla’s Grammy win. That really cracked me up. The Nigerians advised me to stay indoors just in case things escalated. I didn’t watch the match, but I kept refreshing Google for the score. Nigeria did win by penalties, and its citizens rejoiced. We eventually lost the cup to Ivory Coast, but we weren’t too upset because we had narrowly escaped shame. The Ghanaians wouldn’t have allowed us rest if we had lost to South Africa. But setting that aside, what struck me was this: How will children from a union between a South African and Nigerian navigate the future? How are these couples coping? The emotional toll of forming cross-group friendships or relationships is often not spoken about — I think we just sense it implicitly. The mental and physical gymnastics involved, for example, the uncertainty of outcomes, and the challenges in communication. Not just due to language barriers but also vastly different life experiences, require significant time and energy to overcome. The emotional turmoil alone is enough to deter anyone from trying. Why go through all that when it’s far easier to stay within your own in-group, where you feel safe and supported? Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t, right? 🐿️
When two people from different backgrounds meet, both are forever changed, even in the tiniest of ways. The same goes for cultures and societies. When two cultures meet, some things will inevitably get diluted. And many people strongly oppose that because it makes identities feel unfixed or constantly in flux. That can be very difficult for many people to digest because we need landmarks to orient ourselves with. But if we think about it, no society or culture is actually pure. Cultures have always been influenced and shaped by interactions with the ‘other’. Be it through wars, trade or marriage. Just as the Habsburgs’ insular and obstinate approach resulted in genetic disorders due to a lack of genetic diversity, cultures and individuals that refuse to connect with the ‘other’ risked losing their ability to innovate and compete. Such self-isolation and narrow-mindedness can lead to stagnation and eventual irrelevance. Whatever may be said about America, they have managed to attract some of the best minds by positioning themselves as a country that kinda welcome difference. It was built on that ideal. If it ever stops doing that, we kinda know the rest of that story. Let’s bring it back to the individual level: what some people fail to understand is that individuals with cross-group friendships have an advantage over those who don’t. It’s like having a low-key superpower. It enriches your life and provides valuable insights that are not available to those who remain within their own social or cultural circles. Despite the mental gymnastics involved, I’ve chosen the more challenging path when it comes to forming friendships. My current circle is filled with so many fascinating people. It’s like a carnival at this stage. They are all quirky and slightly nuts, and maybe that’s why we gel. I’ve discovered that they’ve all made me more empathetic, less prejudiced, more open to pausing and understanding others, and less ethnocentric. I know I mentioned earlier this year that I simply wanted to maintain the friends I have, but I’ve realized I also need to expand my circle. The weirder and more different, the better. However, I’ll strive to maintain a healthy balance. 🦒
I’m currently swamped with various commitments, so I’ll only be able to post twice a month. As you may have noticed, I had already started doing that. In other news, things are looking up and that makes me low-key happy. As usual, I will keep you all updated. 🐝
Thanks for reading. If there’s anything you’d like to chat about, or if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email. I’d love to hear from you. :) 🍿