Navigating Loss and Embracing Change
From How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be by Katy Milkman (New York: Penguin, 2021), pp. 77:
But when it comes to preventing procrastination, dangling a carrot is just one option; we can also use the stick. That is, we can see temptation coming a mile away and take steps to prevent our bad impulses from getting the best of us.
The loss of a loved one is always a difficult experience, and for me, the pain is still very present even though it's been almost a year since their passing. At first, I thought the pain would lessen over time, but I was wrong. Although the memories don't flood my mind as often as they did in the first few months, when they do cross my mind, the pain is more intense. A friend pointed out that it's actually a blessing that we don't feel the full intensity of our grief all the time, forever. If it did, I reckon that our hearts might literally break. We often take for granted that our loved ones will be with us forever, but the loss of a friend or family member brings death back to the forefront of our minds. It reminds us that we too can die, and makes us wish we had spent more quality time with them. When I think about the different experiences I shared with my loved one, I am filled with both pain and gratitude. The pain comes from their loss, but the gratitude comes from the fact that the universe brought them into my life. It's a bit strange how it's possible to feel both emotions at the same time. I also am thankful to God for all the people in my life, from those I've met by chance to my closest friends. 🌹
I promised to keep readers updated on my progress as I read Katy Milkman’s, How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. So far, I am 32% through the book and have noticed that some strategies will work, while others may not work as well unless I adapt them to my personal preferences. I've been experimenting with different routines based on my waking schedule, energy levels, and attention span. The process has been difficult, but luckily for me, I did not underestimated the challenge or overestimated my willpower. 11 days into the new year, I am more or less trying to establish new habits that will replace old ones that weren't beneficial for me. In the book, the Katy talks about the "fresh start effect," which states that people are more likely to change the direction of their lives when something feels like a new beginning, such as a new year, parenthood, new school, moving to a new city, changing jobs, breakups, or loss. This effect makes it feel like a clean break from the past, and that the old version of ourselves is gone, and we can mould ourselves into any shape we want. For me, the impulse to make changes came at the end of last year, and I decided to give new year's resolutions a try instead of reflexively dismissing the idea. Last year was difficult for me, and I didn't want to continue that way in this new year, as my mental health took a hit. The author also pointed out that "when you're on a roll, any disruption can be a setback," so I am treating my attempt at making changes as an experiment, where I can assess what helps and what doesn't, and why. And if I stumble or backslide, I remind myself to be kind to myself, and to avoid self-criticism. Often change takes multiple attempts to stick but the author recommends some strategies that might help. 📚
Temptation bundling: One strategy she recommends is combining something you enjoy with something you don't like. For example, listening to your favourite podcasts only when you're at the gym, or folding laundry while watching a Netflix show. I have been experimenting with a strategy that involves combining something I enjoy with something I don't like. However, as I have found out that I struggle with multitasking, I decided to approach this differently. Instead of trying to do multiple things at once, I use one task as an incentive for completing the other. I only allow myself to enjoy the reward after I finish the task that I don't particularly like. For example, instead of watching a movie or checking my phone before or during a task, I only allow myself to do so after the task is complete. This way, the longer I procrastinate on the task, the longer it will take me to check my phone or watch the movie. This approach has helped me in delaying gratification to some extent, but it is not without its challenges. Sometimes, I check my phone and then remember that I have a task to do. To make this strategy work, I need to constantly remind myself to stay focused on the task at hand, which can be a challenge on its own. 📺
Make it fun: Making tasks fun is an important technique to help with staying motivated. When you've been doing the same work for a long time, it can stop being enjoyable and become tedious. The author suggests that we can gamify our tasks by adding rewards to them. An example of this is in CrossFit, where there's a leaderboard and people can see the heavy hitters and it serves as motivation to move up the ranks. It gives you the feeling of moving through stages and unlocking rewards, just like in a game. Companies also use this technique by having an "employee of the month" which can create envy among other employees and increases performance overall. For me, this approach means connecting short-term goals with the long-term ones. As you achieve the short-term ones, you can sense that you're coming closer to the long-term ones. This requires asking yourself "how does this task tie in with my vision of myself?". This can be a difficult question to ask yourself often, because it requires figuring out where you want to be and how to get there. We often know where we want to be but don't know the little things we can do to get there. This can be demotivating if you're only focusing on the long-term. To check if I am content with my day, I ask myself what I did to move towards the goal of the day/week/month/year, then I either sit and smile or try to figure out my mistakes, which can be mentally draining. Sometimes, I try not to ask myself that question, because holding oneself accountable isn’t but just like any habit, with time, one gets better at it. 🤾♀️
When I was younger, I used to see people buying jewellery not just for aesthetic reasons, but also as a way to store value. The idea was that if you wore it often and people saw it on you often, you were less likely to convert it to cash because it would indicate that you had gone broke. It was a method to help self-diagnosed spendthrifts save money by making it harder for them to sell the jewellery. Though some people came up with creative excuses when they did sell it, like "I was robbed at a traffic stop" or "someone robbed me while I was drunk" or "our maid ran away with it". This type of commitment device is still a common practice in certain parts of Western Nigeria, thinking about it now makes me chuckle. The author in the book pointed out examples like Nick Winter who gave himself three months to not only write a book but to also sky dive, learn skateboarding, lower his 5k time by 5 minutes, or lose $14K which was his whole life savings at the time. He managed to accomplish these things because of the commitment device he employed. Another example were people who knew they would still withdraw funds in their savings account would self-impose constraints on themselves by moving the money into a fixed deposit, were they couldn’t access the money for a duration of time without incurring heavy penalties. I know this is a technique that some people in Nigeria employ as well. We reduce our freedoms for a greater goal, which reminds me of Isaiah Berlin’s concept of Liberty: freedom from or freedom to. The author suggested that we choose a goal, pick someone or technology to track your progress and "put money on the line that you’ll forfeit to a third party if you don’t succeed." What would make it more interesting, she notes, is to donate the funds to a charity you don’t like. I also tried a small, self-constraint while writing this post to not check my phone or surf internet until I was done writing it, or I would donate money somewhere. Money is a hard commitment, but you can also do soft-commitments like making a pledge or telling people to hold you accountable, so you consistently show up and hopefully don't let them or yourself down. I also used a soft-commitment mechanism: I have decided to post regularly on this "blog" on a weekly basis. I am fortunate to have people who keep an eye on me and make sure I post on or before the due date. 🔱
As someone in tech, I believed that there should be ways to monitor certain things like my mood, to-dos, and my mental and physical health goals (professional bias). I avoided using too many tracking apps or tools, as I found it can make the process overwhelming, and the more complex, the less inclined to use it. The key is to keep it simple and easy. So here are the three apps that I use to make sense of things.
Daylio: for tracking my mood and a few habits
Todoist: If I can't remember the task, I can't do them
Roam research to answer six questions daily (you can use Notion or Evernote)
How am I feeling right now?
What made me happy and what made me sad?
What am I grateful for today?
What did I learn today?
What mistakes did I make today, and what can I learn from them?
What did I do for the goal of the day/week/month/year today?
As of now, things are going well. However, should there be any disruptions, I will keep you all informed 🔬
Thanks for reading. If there's anything you'd like to chat about, or if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you. :)