Portrait of the Artist as an Explorer
From Everyone on the Moon is Essential Personnel by Julian K Jarboe (Massachusetts: Lethe Press, 2020), pp. 56 (ePub):
Why does God create grapes and wheat, but not wine and bread? God does this because God wants us to share in the act of creation. To be how you made me, to become how God made me, through you, I can remake myself. You and I: we are already only whole, and shifting towards the divine.
I have been alternating between feeling meh and not so meh this past week. I am surprised, but not as much, since it’s the end of the year, a time when you take stock of how you spent it. ‘Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.’ I can relate to David’s prayer on a very fundamental level: Our lives are fleeting. One minute we were in January, and the next, we find ourselves in December. Although this year has been good for me, I still feel something is missing. Obviously, my brain is catastrophizing, looking for a way to dismiss all the blessings of God in my life. How do I cope when I feel ‘meh’? I speak with friends about it and also try to reason myself out of it. As I have written in other posts, I am fortunate to have supportive friends. I am beginning to think that perhaps life is not just a pursuit of happiness or unhappiness, for that matter. And yes, some people pursue unhappiness — this is especially evident considering the many self-flagellators in the world. These individuals seem to think, ‘If I can’t attain happiness, then I’ll inflict suffering on myself.’ This is a form of suffering that doesn’t necessarily produce any worthwhile outcome. Don’t get me wrong, I am also guilty of different forms of self-flagellation, be it from negative self-talk to not giving my body or soul any thought or care. I read somewhere that someone who doesn’t acknowledge the sacredness of their existence is particularly dangerous, not just to themselves but to others. Fortunately for me, I have shown myself a lot more kindness this year. I suppose that’s the one thing that I am really proud of. This year, I intend to break the yearly tradition of feeling meh at the end of the year and celebrate myself instead of stewing. I will still engage in other yearly rituals, like reading Simone de Beauvoir’s book On Old Age and enjoying back-to-back movie marathons on Christmas and then on New Year’s, which also coincides with a certain someone's birthday. 🎉
I have always found de Beauvoir’s book quite comforting. I was supposed to start reading it on the first of this month, but I have been busy with books on music. I enjoy reading the biographies and autobiographies of different musicians. I am mostly drawn to those written by or about classical composers. You can also find gems in interviews given by different musicians regardless of genre. I have been listening to music more actively and being pleasantly surprised when I notice something in a song that I thought I was already familiar with. Knowing more about music has only deepened my appreciation for music and for those who make it. As with most things, I have been exploring how different people —musicians and non-musicians — define music. If you encounter any unique definitions beyond what's found in dictionaries, please send them my way. One intriguing definition I came across yesterday describes music as ‘sound organized for a purpose.’ This suggests a deliberate intent in its creation. Whenever I am in church, I notice the pianist playing softly, creating an ambiance that opens people’s hearts to the word, breaking through the resistance that some church members might put up. Sometimes, I feel what we need most is a good cry, or even the courage to be vulnerable, recognising our fragility and the need for divine or earthly support. After all, we could use all the help we can get. The church pianist organises sounds to produce those effects. I, however, do put up layers of walls because I don’t want to be induced to feel some type of way. Other times, I am like, ‘dude, let the music do its job’ and then I slowly let my guard down. It’s funny because I don’t put up that sort of resistance when I watch a movie. This might be because the background music is so subtle that by the time I think to resist, it’s already too late. For those who are emotionally sensitive, I’d suggest avoiding certain Bollywood films, as their directors have a knack for inducing tears. I once heard someone express confusion about why people cry during movies. They explained that just knowing that a film crew was present behind the scenes and the fact that the scenes are scripted makes it difficult for them to become emotionally involved enough to cry. 🥤
I suppose the person has got a point. I on the other hand don’t feel that way. I suspend the part of me that knows that there are people behind the scene and immerse myself in the world they have created. In other news, I am learning the piano — I started a few days. I am also learning how to read music on the side. I am so looking forward to the day I can play the music of some of my favorite composers. I figured that to actually understand or reproduce certain musical effects, I’d need to have a basic knowledge of music theory and what better instrument to learn this on than a piano. If you see a pianist in action, I encourage you to applaud them because I have learned firsthand that playing the piano is not fun and games as they make it appear. If swimming has taught me anything, it’s that if you put in the work, you will get better with time. I think the same will apply to learning the piano for me. Of course, the initial frustration that comes with learning something new has cropped its ugly head. But the prospect of acquiring these new skills is motivating enough to help me jump the hurdles. Lately, I’ve been contemplating several questions: Why does every culture have music, or are there some that don’t? If we define music as sounds organized by humans, does that mean sounds made by birds are not considered music, and what about music created by AI — should that not be considered music either? What is the difference between noise and music, and who gets to decide? See why I need to have my own personal definition of what I think music is. The answers to these and other questions that are bugging me will determine what I can or can’t explore. Today’s post title was inspired by ‘The Portrait of an Artist as a Consumer,’ a feature in NME magazine where celebrities list their favorite books, albums, movies, and other artists that have inspired them. Since I’m not fond of the word ‘consume,’ I switched it to ‘explorer.’ I considered ‘The Portrait of an Artist as a Fan’ but eventually settled on ‘explorer’ instead. 🍒
My approach to learning has been quite haphazard. I often can’t recall where I read something, even though I can remember the things that struck me when I was reading it. To address this, I want to become more intentional by creating a repository of the things I read or I am influenced by. Exactly how I will do this, I'm not sure, but it’s something I'm currently thinking about. 💭
Thanks for reading. If there’s anything you’d like to chat about, or if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email. I’d love to hear from you. 🍿